Emotional Abuse — A silent killer.
“Love and abuse cannot coexist.”
Do you feel like you’re belittled continuously or walking on eggshells with your partner? We’ve all heard about physical abuse, where the signs seem to be evident. Then there’s emotional abuse when someone intentionally hurts you and makes you feel wounded. In emotionally abusive relationships, one of the partners usually tries to control the other by making harsh statements, these are not typically direct like the ones said in an argument. The words are generally hidden away in sarcasm, snide remarks, manipulation and an aggressive tone in speech followed by uncomfortable body language such as rolling eyes, slamming the door amongst others. An abuser may not be identified as a social misfit because he usually mistreats people who are closest to him (partner, children) and very rarely do his colleagues or friends get to see the nasty side. To the outside world, he’s a well-mannered gentleman, while he tortures and torments those who are closest to him.
Abusers are incredibly polite; they will shower you with compliments in a gracelessly exaggerated manner or humiliate and insult you. This hot and cold behaviour can leave you feeling unsettled, there’s this constant distress of not knowing when this person might be ok with having a normal conversation or when he would snap and yell. Even praise would seem like an attack/insult. For instance, complementing his ability to multitask can be misinterpreted as pointing out at hidden insecurities/flaws. You may find it hard to recognise emotional abuse unless you’ve read about it or have encountered such individuals earlier. The goal of emotional abuse is usually to control, belittle and silence the victim. Being in an abusive relationship can not only affect your self-esteem and dignity, but it can also have severe consequences to your health, causing anxiety, depression, chronic pain, nightmares and social withdrawal. Since emotional abuse is subtle, most people find it hard to identify and often find themselves feeling confused.
Here are a few signs of emotional/psychological abuse:
· A constant need to know your whereabouts, almost to the point where seeing his name on your phone screen makes you cringe.
· Invades privacy by demanding access to your social media accounts and sometimes he may have access without your knowledge.
· Acts jealous and accuses you of cheating.
· He may threaten to hurt you, your family members or even your pet.
· Insults you by calling you names like “fat”, “useless” and random remarks to make you conscious.
· Haughty behaviour and lashes out in a way that’s frightening to you.
· Tries to control the way you do certain things like the way you dress, speak or eat.
· Stops you from spending time with family and friends.
· He may threaten to harm himself if you disagree with him — a way to keep you hooked in.
· Tries to control how others perceive you due to their shortcomings.
· The abuser has no respect for boundaries and lives with a sense of entitlement.
· They try to lure you into their selfish sexual needs after mistreating you.
Abusers may start off behaving normally, but as the relationship progresses, the truth eventually comes out. Most often, abusers apologise quite a lot after the explosion phase — this is when he expresses regret with hyperbolic gestures to win you back. Some abusers are successful in masking their behaviour until they’ve reached a particular stage such as living together or naming the relationship before they begin to show their true colours. Usually, by the time the victim realises, she’s been in it for so long that there’s conflict in her decision-making skills due to the confusion she experiences because of the abuser’s demonic behaviour. Someone who claimed to be in love suddenly starts insulting and controlling different parts of your life. This kind of response is bound to leave you feeling disordered; it’s indeed a nightmare to realise that the person you’re in love with is not who he was pretending to be. Some abusers may have a successful career, no substance abuse and may just not fit into a classic example of a cruel person. When things start falling apart, it’s unlikely that you recognise it’s a sign of abuse.
Now, that you know what constitutes for emotional abuse, there are a few techniques that will help you deal with the abuser:
Take time to figure out the abuser. Showing compassion after being disrespected can seem absurd. Remember, all that he’s projecting is usually a sign of his insecurities and internal turmoil that he needs to address. It’s unfair that some of us are at the receiving end but keep in mind that everything they say and do is about them and not about you.
Speak up. These individuals feel like they’re the know it all and are big bullies. Don’t be afraid to let him know that you’re not going to accept his erratic and disrespectful behaviour.
Know when to walk away. There are hardships in every relationship, but they’re never abusive. There are good days, and then there are bad days, but if a foul mood translates to being abused, that’s not acceptable. Your life and well-being are more important than being stuck in a toxic relationship.
Just in case you’re married and have children with the abuser, seek help from a counsellor or a psychologist and find a way to end the cycle of abuse. If you have limited freedom to get help, reach out for support online. There are many online support groups and helplines to guide you.
If you’re currently in an abusive relationship, please remember that you don’t have to remain silent. No one deserves to be ill-treated and know that help is available.
PS: “Love is respect.”
IG — @Befettle
